Have you heard of this baby?

A difficult baby.  Or a high needs baby.  What about a spirited baby?  All pretty much names for the baby that requires a lot of work.  Not necessarily colic.  Because colic has a very specific definition. Tomorrow we will talk about colic and some of the baby soothing techniques to try with colicky babies or really any fussy baby.

I had one of these babies.  The baby that stopped crying when you bounced her.  Then started to cry again and would stop again when you bounced her harder.  And then for the first time, the pediatric nurse suddenly understood how someone could shake a baby.  Because, when does bouncing become shaking?  This is not exactly a question most people want to ask their medical provider.

So, let me tell you.  Until you have had this kind of baby you might not get it. If you have one, be encouraged.  First, babies do not die from crying.  They do die from parents being overwhelmed by the feelings and frustrations of having a baby that cries all the time.  If you have done everything: ie fed her, changed her, burped her, and she is not sick, then put her down in a safe place.  Go somewhere where you can’t hear her and get your calm and quiet back.  It is absolutely safe for a baby over two weeks old to cry for 10 minutes, and older babies can cry longer.  (See my disclaimer and talk to your medical provider about how long to let your baby cry)  You will be a better parent, and she may be asleep when you get back.

There are a lot of different explanations for why some babies are spirited.  I am going to boil it down to a word.  Personality.  Just imagine if you were a smart competitive person and you could not get your body to do ANYTHING!  And you couldn’t tell anyone what you wanted!  Not all babies are this type A, but some are.

You see, I have studied all about babies and children.  There is always more to learn, but I know about my children as individuals and then I know about other children as a group. The variations of normal, what I have seen work before for other children.  But you are the parent, the mother or father.  And when a new baby comes into your family you have a lot of people come into your life giving you advice.  And that is what it is.  You should listen to wise people whom you respect and those who have experience. But however they say it they are giving you advice.

One of your biggest jobs as a mother is to become the expert on your child.  So, others can tell you what worked for their child and their family and you and your husband can decide whether that is worth a try for your child and your family.  This is true for babies, and toddlers, and up as they grow.  Know your child. 

So, for my high needs spirited baby.  I am just sure that she was bored and frustrated.  I thought she was bored then, and now that she is twelve and I know her even better I am still sure she was bored.  Her brain goes a thousand miles an hour, and until she could occupy her mind she filled that with occupying her body. 

  Once she could move on her own she was a much happier baby.  Still hard for mom.  I had to move 100 miles an hour to try to keep up with her.  Now she can read fast enough to occupy herself and she has become quite the young lady.  And she helps me with my running after the little boy soon to be boys.

So, what if you are in the middle of this now?  How do you make it until they are older?

First, check your attitude.  God created us each as individuals.  And He made us moms of these particular babies for a reason.  I believe that they are both a gift to us and a way God makes us grow.  And He gives moms and dads what it takes to parent the children He has given.

Second, God has gifted your child with certain characteristics on purpose.  They can be great positives for His glory.  Whatever it is that you are tempted to call a negative about your child, try to flip that coin over and call it by the name God gave it.  Thus the name spirited instead of difficult.  Full of energy instead of hyperactive.  Determined instead of stubborn.  You get the idea.  Determination can be of great use in God's kingdom when we see it as He does and train the child to use it for His glory.

Third, these energetic bored babies have what it takes to be really good at something.  Often a sport.  Think Michael Phelps.  You can have that kind of energy with or without ADHD.  Try to find a sport or physical activity that they enjoy and can use that energy.  Actually, that is good advice for all children.  Helping them to find the way to be active that they enjoy is a skill that they will use for life to stay healthy.  But, for the really energetic ones I think it is the sport that saves mom’s sanity.  For us it was gymnastics.  When she watched tv she was either jumping on the couch or doing a head stand.  Upside down was her preferred position starting at about 4 months old.   And for years, everyone knew if she missed gymnastics by her behavior. 

Hang in there and check here for more about colic and calming fussy babies.

Help me sleep

How can I get my baby to sleep through the night?  If you have a baby this may be a very important question for you.  Especially if you are really tired.  Yesterday we talked about breastfed babies and what to expect regarding them sleeping through the night.  If you missed it you can check it out here.

I am a firm believer that every baby is different, and every family is different.  What works for me and my family may not work for you, your baby, or your family.  I personally have parented each of my children differently and parented individuals differently at different stages of development.  There are things I have done that I would likely do differently if I got a redo.

The first big sleeping decision parents have is related to co-sleeping or not.  I remember a friend of mine taking me aside when I was pregnant with my first.  She already had two children and she had breastfed them.  She told me, “I bring the baby into bed with me during the night to nurse.  I think everyone does it, but they don’t talk about it much”.  This led me to look into Dr. Sears and co-sleeping.  He advises parents to examine how everyone sleeps best.  And to make sure baby is safe.  Co-sleeping deserves a post in and of itself so the only thing more I will say on the subject today is that co-sleeping removes the need for the rest of the tips on getting baby to sleep by himself.  Until you don’t want to be co-sleeping anymore.  Keep in mind, it is usually easier to teach them to sleep by themselves before they are a year old.

Babies, like adults, have different states of alertness or sleep.  The states of alertness are quiet alert, active alert, crying, light sleep, deep sleep, and REM sleep.  Today we will talk about how these states can help us as parents get our babies to sleep.  

What we generally do as moms of a new baby is nurse baby, change baby, rock baby to sleep, as soon as baby is asleep set him in his crib, and then tuck blankets around him.  He may wake up immediately or wake up around 15 minutes later.  This is because we put him down before he moved into deep sleep. 

So, we can change the scenario to change baby, nurse baby, swaddle baby, rock to sleep, hold for 20 minutes until baby is in deep sleep, and then set him in his crib.  Then baby is much more likely to stay asleep in his bed for an hour or more.

Light sleep usually lasts 20-30 minutes.  In this phase baby’s eyes are closed, breathing is rapid and shallow and he may be pacifying on the breast or a pacifier, and his arms usually maintain their tone or position.  When the baby moves to deep sleep he quits sucking, his arms go limp, and breathing is slower.  Baby wakes up for a second between light and deep sleep.  So, if he has fallen asleep with you holding him and he wakes up to find that you are not there, he will often not progress from light to deep sleep.  This is where babies are different again.  Some babies are “good” or easy sleepers.  Some may transition from light to deep sleep easily without any problem.

Babies want to fall asleep the way they are used to falling asleep.  If you nurse them to sleep, then if they wake up, then they want you to nurse them back to sleep again.  If you put them in their bed drowsy and they fall asleep there, when they wake up they will likely fall back asleep.  Unless they lost their pacifier.  A third possibility is put baby to sleep different ways.  That will give you more options and teach baby that it is ok to fall asleep under different conditions.  This involves teaching baby to fall asleep.  I recommend teaching during the day and using old methods for the middle of the night.

I personally do not like to let my babies cry it out.  For reasons of development and establishing breastfeeding I wouldn’t recommend it before 4-6 months.  However, I do think it works when done correctly and a recent study shows no long term differences between babies whose parents let them cry it out and those who did not.  But don’t take my word for it, check out my disclaimer and talk to your baby’s medical provider if you are having trouble with your baby’s sleep.

Your biggest parenting choice

What is the one thing you have complete control of as a parent that can influence whether your child grows up to read, have a good attention span, finish high school, go to college, or be aggressive, use alcohol or tobacco, be sexually active or overweight?  The answer is watching more than two hours of television a day.  Why?

Watching TV.  A photo by Oddharmonic on Flickr

1. Watching violence on TV is associated with aggressive behavior.
2. Watching more TV increasing the chances of dropping of of school and decreased chances of getting a college degree   
3.  Being awake and in the room with television on more than two hours a day is associated with being overweight. 
4. Television may cause a decrease in metabolism. 
5.   Children who watch television are more likely to have altered sleep patterns and sleep disorders.
6. Watching more TV in childhood may increase school drop out and decrease the chances of getting a college degree. 
7. Watching TV at ages 1-3 years old is associated with shorter attention spans and fewer parent-child interactions.
8. Increased television watching is associated with less reading.
9. Watching the use of alcohol, cigarettes, and sex on television normalizes it and makes your child think it is acceptable, even desirable behavior.

Confession time.  I let my three year old watch too much television. I have done this even though I know the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against more than two hours of television a day.

So, why would I let my child watch too much TV?  Well, let’s just say that each morning I always intended to turn it off in two hours.  Just long enough for me to get my work done, I’d think.  But I guess I always have more than two hours of work to do.  Don’t you?  Cooking three meals a day for one or more kids, dishes, laundry, tidying up, cleaning, nursing the baby, and blogging all take time.  I was using the television like a babysitter.  I was starting the day with television and not getting it turned off.  I wasn’t including my little one in the chores I was doing.  And he wasn’t learning to play by himself.

But no more.  I am going to cut the television time down to 2 hours or less a day.  Actually, we had our first day today.  I told Jujube on Sunday night that there would be no television tomorrow until Miss Froggie got home from school.  I also told him we would play in the playroom together and go to the park.  Why did I do this?

1.        Kids do better when they know what to expect.  I also gave him something to look forward to instead of just taking away something he likes.

2.       If I said it, then I would be more likely to do it.

3.        I gave him a time frame that he could understand in order to decrease how often he would ask for television the next day.

What else did I need to do?  I needed to prepare to be firm, no matter what.  I knew that he was going to test me today.  And I needed to win this battle or cutting down on the TV would only get harder.  I believe that consistency, for all aged children is key.  And pick your battles.  Don’t start a battle when you aren’t prepared to win.  If you are going to cut out television, don’t do it when someone is sick, or your support system is out of town.  Set yourself up to have extra help, or at least to devote more time to teaching a new behavior.  These guidelines help me whenever we need to make a change in our schedule.

How long will it take?  It depends on your child.  Be prepared for 2-3 weeks of hard work.  But it may not take that long.

So, does anyone want to join me in decreasing TV time?  And those of you who already have no television during the day, what do you have your three year old do for independent play?  Are they any tricks you have for getting young children to play by themselves?  I have found that Jujube likes me to be in the room, but he will often play by himself if I am close by.

Resources:

http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/tv.htm

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/07/how-to-break-your-toddlers-tv-habit/

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/07/a-creative-alternative-to-baby-tv-time/

 American Academy of Pediatrics, Committee on Public Education. Media violence. Pediatrics. 2001 Nov;108(5):1222-6. Available at: http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;108/5/1222.
Bushman BJ, Anderson, CA. Comfortably numb: desensitizing effects of violent media on helping others. Psychological Science. 2009 21(3):273-277.

 Rich M, Woods ER, Goodman E, Emans SJ, DuRant RH. Aggressors or victims: gender and race in music video violence. Pediatrics. 1998 Apr;101(4 Pt 1):669-74.

Klesges RC, Shelton ML, Klesges LM. Effects of television on metabolic rate: potential implications for childhood obesity. Pediatrics. 1993 Feb;91(2):281-6.

Thompson DA, Christakis DA. The association between television viewing and irregular sleep schedules among children less than 3 years of age. Pediatrics. 2005 Oct;116(4):851-6.
Johnson JG, Cohen P, Kasen S, First MB, Brook JS. Association between television viewing and sleep problems during adolescence and early adulthood.  Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 2004 Jun;158(6):562-8.
American Medical Association. Brain Damage Risks. Available from: http://www.ama-assn.org/ama/no-index/physician-resources/9416.shtml. Accessed 30 June 2010.

God keeps knocking

Do you ever feel like you keep hearing the same things over and over again? Like God is going to keep telling you something until you listen? Sometimes when this happens to me, it happens all on the same day. This time it has been a little different, but recently I’ve had more “parenting” messages than usual.
First, I came across an article published about spanking.

Then at Crossroads, the church we have been attending Brian Tome was doing his knock off series and one was on parenting. He mentioned spanking. But it was more about the different types of “parenting” God uses with His children and we should use with our kids based on their age/stage: Nurse, King/Queen, Coach, and Friend.  Listen to it here.

Wednesday I was reading about Dr. Sears and attachment parenting and my usual style of parenting. I blogged about it a little bit here.
Then yesterday I went to my MOPS meeting. I am really enjoying MOPS. Online communities contribute so much toward “meeting” with people with similar situations and interests. I feel so blessed to be a part of these communities. But, there is still something nice about chatting in person over coffee.
Yesterday, we had a guest speaker. And you guessed it. She was talking about parenting. Kim Orlemann from Beech Acres Parenting Center came and talked about Intentional Strength Based Parenting (ISBP). You can learn more about it here.
But ISBP is basically creating a mission statement for your family and a plan for how you are going to instill character or characteristics in your kids while at the same time noticing and developing the strengths the child has.  It is not exclusively a Christian parenting method, but I applied it that way.

I really liked her message. I like it because it allows for our parenting styles to be different. And it allows our children to be individuals. For us all to grow to be the unique people God created us to be. And our families to be mini bodies of Christ, with each working slightly differently because of the individuals in the body.
But it challenged me too. Being intentional is a lot of work. So is making a plan with my husband for each child. But in Gods eyes, as Beth Moore says, “Good does not equal easy”. And if anything is worth the work it is our children.
Kim recommended a book Your Child’s Strengths by Jenifer Fox.
It is now definitely on my to read list. But until I get it I’m going to use these tips to keep moving in the right direction.

Needy babies

I have all sorts of topics I want to post on: ear infections, the flu, butter, corn syrup, television, parenting styles, and on and on.  I want to provide you with current research and great links on each of these topics, not just tell you what I learned in school.  Or what I do with my kids.
On that note, attachment parenting comes very close to describing my parenting style.  I don't subscribe to it 100%,  but I'm close.
It has been described as time intensive for mothers.  I don't usually feel like it is that much work.  In fact, attachment parenting feels very natural to me.  Schedules and crying it out would be more foreign for me.  However, today I'm questioning my choice.  Not because of research, or a change in my philosophy.  But today, I Can't Get Anything Done!  I have dishes to wash, laundry to catch up on, blog research to do...
Right now I'm sitting on the floor in the play room poking out this entry with one finger on the iPad .  Jujube, my nickname for the three year old, is coloring and the baby is getting tummy time.  They both want to be with me.  This morning they are not content playing by themselves while I research and work on the blog.
And so I start thinking, maybe I'm doing this wrong.  Maybe we should have a routine that includes me putting the baby on a feeding schedule instead of feeding on demand.  Maybe I should have naptime at the same time everyday and just let baby and Jujube cry it out until they get used to it.  I don't think it is wrong to parent this way, but it does not describe how I have usually parented.  At the same time, I have and will continue to let the baby cry when I REALLY need to get something done.  You know, for five minutesbwhile I shower.  Apparently it is a needy day.  Maybe bcause ofvthe cold.  And when one is needy, so is the other.  So the work will wait until the needs change or Miss Froggie gets home from school and can help with the little ones.

Arguments with myself

I argue with myself. Sometimes it feels like there are two of me.

One of me wants to be a physician with one or two kids in a big city with a big fancy house and a maid and nanny to go with it. This person likes fast and easy and agrees with traditional medicine. She wants a super successful husband with a nice car and fancy vacations. She can afford to buy local organic fruits and veggies, grass fed beef and free range eggs and chicken.

The other me wants to be a stay at home mom with at least six kids on a farm. She does not want someone else to clean her house or teach her kids. She homeschools, makes everything from scratch, grows most of it in her back yard. She has a dairy cow and chickens. She is into sustainable living. She works with her husband on the farm with the kids and that's all they need. She is suspicious of anything that hasn't been around for 200 years.

These two me's agree on few things. They both love Jesus. They both want to be healthy and do what's best for the family. But this looks different to each of them. One cares what the newest research says and the other wants to how things were done 50 or 100 years ago.

You may see me argue with myself on this blog about full fat dairy, raw milk, immunizations, the value of kids activities, etc, etc. And you can chime in with why you believe as you do. But please be respectful of both me's :)

I will never be able to be just one or the other. Somewhat because it is unlikely that I will be a rich physician or a farm wife any time soon. In this Jesus is showing me how to be content with the life He has for me. And right now with a tight budget and no farm, some of the choices I would like to make are not in reach.

Middle School Girls Achievement and Risks

Friday I wrote about why I am now a stay at home mom. And I talked about an article I read in 2003 that influenced my decision. I still have not been able to find that article, but I have looked at several more recent ones and have some highlights for you.
 Substance Use among Early Adolescent Girls: Risk and Protective Factors
1. Girls whose mothers know where they are after school are less likely to use alcohol.
2. Girls whose mothers know their friends are less likely to use alcohol or prescription drugs.
3. Girls who can always reach their mothers are less likely to use alcohol, prescription drugs or inhalants.
4. Girls who go home after school are less likely to use alcohol or prescription drugs.

 The Formative Years: Pathways to Substance Abuse Among Girls And Young Women Ages 8-22
 1. Girls with highly involved parents and parents who provide positive feedback are less likely to smoke, drink or use drugs.
2. Girls who feel they can talk with their parents and who do not have frequent arguments with their parents are less likely to smoke, drink or use drugs.
3. Teens who consider religious beliefs important are almost three times less likely to drink, binge drink and smoke
 4. Teens who consider religious beliefs important almost four times less likely to use marijuana and seven times likelier to use illicit drugs.
 5. Teens who never attend religious services are more than twice as likely to smoke
6. Teens who never attend religious services twice as likely to drink.
7. Teens who never attend religious services are three times more likely to use marijuana and binge drink
8. Teens who never attend religious services are almost four times more likely to use illicit drugs
9. Girls who do not participate in any extracurricular activities are twice as likely to report current smoking (25.5 percent vs. 12.4 percent) and are also likelier to drink alcohol (19.2 percent vs. 12.4 percent) and use marijuana (10 percent vs. 4.8 percent) than girls who are engaged in multiple (three or more) activities.

 Maternal Employment and Children’s Achievement in Context: A Meta-Analysis of Four Decades of Research

• In general children with working mothers had similar academic achievement to non-working mothers
• However having a working mother during middle school and high school was negatively associated with  academic achievement (Worse grades or test scores). 

 The author states this negative effect is “consistent with the position that less parental supervision may characterize families with employed mothers (Bronfenbrenner & Crouter, 1982; Montemayor & Clayton, 1983; Muller, 1995). It may also be a call for social interventions for this age group. Adolescents, who are too old for traditional child care and who may have more diversionary activities at their disposal than younger children, need structured activities after school and access to affordable, high quality after-school programs (Vandell, Pierce, & Dadisman,2005) in order to stay on track with their academics.”

Questions for you:
If a mom is at home because she cannot get a job, is her presence at home the same as the mother who chooses to stay home?
Do you think studies should determine why mothers are working or not working before including them in studies?

Why I am (now) a Stay at Home Mom

Back in 1998 I graduated from Baylor with my RN and I signed a 2 year commitment with my hospital to become a pediatric RN.  But my first daughter was due about 6 weeks before the commitment was up.  No big deal, I thought, I’ll go back after maternity leave and finish the 4 weeks and then stay home.  My husband’s job did not have health insurance so we planned to buy private insurance.

Fast forward to when my daughter was 31 days old.  We were admitted to Children’s Hospital for 8 days with Pertussis (whooping cough).  Praise God for my hospital health insurance, but now she didn’t qualify for private insurance.  And as a nurse I said, “We have to have insurance!”  So I cut my hours to the minimum that would still provide insurance and kept working two 12 hour night shifts a week.  Now I wonder if that was a lack of faith in God to provide on my part, but that was how I made the decision to keep working as a nurse. 

Now, at first I was shocked that it didn’t just kill me to leave my baby.  I actually enjoyed going to work.   And I eventually found a great Christian drop in day care.  I read all the studies I could find about kids with working moms.  And basically, I interpreted them all to say “it depends on if the mom is happy”.  A mom who is leaving her kids and hates it has kids who suffer from her leaving.  And a mom who stays home and hates it has kids who suffer from her being home.  I haven’t looked at any of the current research so I’m not sure if they have recently found anything different for little kids.  But around the time my second daughter was born I read an article about teenage girls.  NONE of the girls ages 12-15 who had a mom at home were smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or having sex.  Not all of the girls who had a working mom were doing those things, but NONE of the girls with a mom at home were participating in those risky behaviors. (So far I can’t find that article, but I will keep looking for it and I will check over the weekend for what the current research says about stay at home moms.)  My husband and I decided that one of us would need to be home after school when our daughters were 12-15 year old.

And now, its 2012 and our daughter is 12 and started Middle School this fall.  And I’m home.  It doesn’t hurt at all that my husband finished his Master’s and got his first job with health insurance.  Or that we just had our fourth and I get to stay home with him and our three year old son.  I am thinking God had a plan all along.